Writing what I want to write, secrets, and owning it.

by terra on May 13, 2014 · 16 comments

in Deep Thoughts

You write what you want to write. That’s it. Fuck the rest. This is your home, your space. You want to weep about the things that have been done, however trivial they may be in a world lacking world peace and struck with poverty, fuck it. You write what you want to write.

That’s it.

Because everyone is fighting their own battles, because everyone hurts, everyone feels pain, and to measure it is bullshit. Fuck a battle where I weigh my pain against yours and you weigh yours against mine, because why? Why? What’s the point in saying to a person who is hurting that their pain doesn’t weigh enough, no matter the genesis of that pain? That’s bullshit.

I don’t want to be a sad bitch on the internet, I don’t want to come here and cry everyday about the fucked up shit in my life, but at the end of the day this space is mine and if I want to cry over the wrongs done to me, that maybe don’t have to do with pandemics or poverty, then I will. Because this space is mine.

So let me tell you a secret.

I’m sensitive. Beyond words. I’ve got this tough bitch, honey badger, fuck shit up demeanor, but fuck that. I’m a sensitive bitch. You hurt, I hurt. That’s how I work. He hurts, I hurt, even when I shouldn’t. I hear a song and it takes me. I can’t stop it. It drags me down, to those depths – and I think you know them – those dark places where sadness is comfort and broken is built.

I cry over lonely puppies and Sarah McLachlan and I’m done saying I’m sorry for that shit. This is the person I am. I take a lot in, and I do with it what I can. I try to fix what I can, try to heal what I can, try to rectify what I can and the rest, the parts that I can’t fix, well. They fucking eat me, those parts.

Because – and here’s secret number two – I want to save the world.

I want to fix your shit. I’m a fixer. It’s what I do. Give me your shit, and I’ll give you a solution, because I want to see you smile. I want to make you laugh. I want to make your ribs hurt you laugh so fucking hard and so I’ll take it. I’ll take whatever pain you have to give and I will wrap it up and throw it out into the universe because I fucking love you.

I shouldn’t have to apologize for giving a shit, and so I won’t.

Because I do. I give a shit. I care. I care so much I’ll break myself for it, because me be damned – fuck me.

And if writing is my catharsis, then so fucking be it. Walk away if you don’t want to read it, or don’t if you do.

And so here it is:

I laugh too loud and I swear a lot.

I don’t eat sea creatures – not even crabs or lobsters or shrimp.

I’m really fucking funny sometimes. And sometimes I’m really fucking sad.

I hear a song and sometimes it dictates my mood. That’s it. That’s just the way it is.

Most days I just want to run. For as many miles and as many hours as my legs and lungs can handle.

I drink craft beers and scotch, and, if I’m in Vegas, Blueberry Stolis.

Nachos are my favorite food, green my favorite color, spring my favorite season and Halloween my favorite holiday.

I’m almost always wearing jeans and a t-shirt.

I don’t wear lipstick and I’d almost always rather be barefoot.

I don’t have a filter and sometimes I say things I shouldn’t.

I’m not fucking perfect, and I shouldn’t have to be.

{ 16 comments… read them below or add one }

Holly G May 13, 2014 at 9:55 am

I love you

Reply

tj May 13, 2014 at 10:03 am

perfect or not, i wouldnt change one damn thing about you.

Reply

laurentheanimal
Twitter: laurentheanimal
May 13, 2014 at 10:06 am

Hear fucking hear! Powerful at its best – honest, raw, real. xo.
laurentheanimal recently posted..On Being More Professional (and Awesome)

Reply

Caryn May 13, 2014 at 10:43 am

I love this and love you, exactly how you are. Everyone is entitled to their own feelings and there is no comparison and they should be their authentic self. I’m happy to see you doing that. Because your authentic self is beyond words rad. I have been thinking very similar things but haven’t had the heart to write it. You, boo, are always an inspiration to me.
Caryn recently posted..A Lesson on Friendships from HIMYM

Reply

Peter DeWolf May 13, 2014 at 10:53 am

Yes.

Amazing.

Yes.
Peter DeWolf recently posted..#thepetecast 62 “My new BFF has RBF, MFs!” with @jennanicole

Reply

Mikael May 13, 2014 at 11:41 am

You are amazing and one of the best people I know. I love every bit of you, sensitive, non-filtered. Keep smiling as much as you can, Terra, and know you’re loved.
Mikael recently posted..Taking Breaks

Reply

Margaret May 13, 2014 at 2:00 pm

AMEN !!! If you were anything else other than the authentic you, you’d be living a life that belongs to someone else.

HUGS

Reply

katelin May 13, 2014 at 2:18 pm

So many hugs friend. And nachos, I wish I could send you nachos. xo
katelin recently posted..Thirty Times Two.

Reply

Alverna May 13, 2014 at 8:11 pm

I wish we could eat nachos together right now.

You are amazing sad.
You are amazing mad.
You are amazing just the way you are.

Reply

Ash May 13, 2014 at 9:09 pm

All of my friends get the same warning, T., and have, especially since I figured out I have Aspergers: I am who I am, I don’t play head games or tolerate them, and they will never get anything but raw honesty from me, whether that’s what they want to hear or not. And you know what? A surprising number of people are more than okay with that – it’s a relief to them to deal with someone who is real. I ask for honesty in return, and if they can’t give it, or accept me as I am, then we weren’t meant to be friends. That’s just the way I look at it. I haven’t got the time or energy to give people who play games or try to manipulate others.
So, I’m all for your declaration of you-ness. Keep it up!
Ash recently posted..“Chronic. Fatigue. Syndrome. It’s An Illness.” – May 12: ME/CFS Awareness Day

Reply

Abby May 13, 2014 at 10:13 pm

I love you. I miss you. You’re amazing. Also, I didn’t know your favorite color is green, so I learned a new Terra fact today. xx A
Abby recently posted..frugal & fabulous // emma from this kind choice.

Reply

suki
Twitter: suki
May 13, 2014 at 10:36 pm

“Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.” – Dr. Seuss
suki recently posted..HolidayPhone : How It Landed Us On a Boat!

Reply

Emilie May 16, 2014 at 7:25 am

“Because everyone is fighting their own battles, because everyone hurts, everyone feels pain, and to measure it is bullshit. Fuck a battle where I weigh my pain against yours and you weigh yours against mine, because why? Why? What’s the point in saying to a person who is hurting that their pain doesn’t weigh enough, no matter the genesis of that pain? That’s bullshit.”

THIS. Also, none of us are perfect. It’s insane to try to be! I struggle with this too, this whole being perfect thing. As much as I know it’s impossible, I still try. That makes me insane, I know. Always thinking of you and sending you big virtual hugs.
Emilie recently posted..It’s official…I’m taking the plunge!

Reply

Jennbizzle May 17, 2014 at 12:17 pm

I’m with you, you’re amazing, don’t change.

Be authentic. Fuck the rest.

Do you, love. Do fucking you.
Jennbizzle recently posted..Watching it Burn

Reply

Nora May 19, 2014 at 2:47 pm

You and I are so alike, i think… I’m a fixer, I can’t stand hurt and pain when it’s bothering others, music is my lifeblood and it does change my mood (just last week: rocking out to a rap song, then a sad song came on and suddenly my shoulders went from shoulder dancing to shuddering from crying). I think you’re beautiful, brave, hilarious (anyone who has read your blog knows you can be fucking funny), and of all the people I haven’t yet met through the interwebs, you’re at the TOP of my list. I want to eat nachos and talk and laugh and cry with you.

Reply

Amanda June 4, 2014 at 7:17 am

<3
Amanda recently posted..Currently v. 1

Reply

Leave a Comment

CommentLuv badge

Previous post:

Next post: