Curse words, mostly.

Most days I just want to light shit on fire. I want to burn the whole god damn world down, I want to fight until I’ve got nothing left, just like I’ve been doing for the past how ever many months. I want to take a match, strike it and burn the whole fucking thing down, my life, my love, my reality. I want it fucking gone because it’s not the shit I picked, it’s not the shit I fought for, and yet still, it’s mine.

So I carry it.

Because, really, what’s the other choice? I lose my shit? I strike the match, burn all our lives to the fucking ground? That’s not feasible, see, because we must maintain some semblance of sanity, no matter how hard it might be.

Right?

Because the scorned bitch, she’s the one who is supposed to stand proud and swallow her hurt and live some great fucking life and be the best version of herself, but fuck you. Real life is a disaster. It’s a shit show.

Real life takes the fucking life from your lungs, it cripples you, it throws you on the fucking floor, broken limbed and bleeding the fuck out, because reality, my friends, reality is a mother fucker, and all the things you learn, all the things you realize, they will cripple you.

And sure. I’m a strong bitch. I”m a badass mother fucker. I’ll spit hate in your face and never regret it, but that doesn’t mean this shit, this terrible and fucked up shit isn’t the most terrible shit I’ve ever faced in my whole fucking life.

I wanted to be choked out, to pass the fuck out, to leave for a bit, but my neck is too small, his biceps too big and the closer I get to the bottom, the more I realize that rock bottom is farther and harder than I ever fucking anticipated. You touch this spot, this terrible spot where you think it can’t get worse, and then it hits you, the weight of the lies and the truth and you sink even further and you see your worst self, the most terrible parts of you that you buried in a yard 15 fucking years ago. And yet.

Still.

There she is, that damaged girl, leaving claw marks on everything she touches.

But you live it, you take it, you swallow it, you fix it. Because that’s what bitches like me do. We win. God help us. We fucking win.

Whatever that means.

30 thoughts on “Curse words, mostly.

  1. Jenna

    Guess what? You’re still a kid. and u still have no idea what it means to go through life and it’s problems. stop complaining about the same old stuff. you want to curse, go ahead. feel big and strong but please open your eyes to people with REAL PROBLEMS and not just your own. Yours is self-pity, you are not going to get out of this if you keep focusing on it. Really, I want you to be happy but enough already.
    Think: terminally ill people, cancer, a mother who loses her child, death, family, unemployment, deprivation, poverty. You keep thinking about yourself. Open your heart and if you have family, reach out. It’s not just about you anymore, because that is NOT working. Give it a try. Please.

    1. Here’s the thing: you don’t know the whole story, the whole truth of what I’m going through, you don’t know how difficult my life has or has not been. I share small parts of my life here, but I don’t share everything. So don’t tell me I don’t know what it’s like to go through life and it’s problems, when you don’t know every moment of my life.

      Second, this is my space. I can write about whatever the fuck I want to write about here, and writing here, about the shit I’m going through, about my anger and heartbreak and whatever else, is proving to be extremely therapeutic for me. If you don’t like it, stop reading it.

    2. Amanda

      Telling people not to feel how they feel because things could be worth is bullshit. There can always be something worse. That doesn’t make what someone is going through any less difficult. Also, this girl’s heart could not BE any more open. Perhaps you should open yours and be more compassionate.

    3. Guess what? You’re super rude and you lack basic human compassion. It must be lovely up there on your perch, where you can look down on people and say things like “enough already”. The advice you offer is useful to exactly NO ONE – the pain of others does not diminish or exacerbate one’s own.

      Basically, go home, you’re a bitch.

    4. I’m sorry, but who the hell made you the grief police? Who the fuck do you think you are to come into someone’s space and be all self-righteous and condescending like that? You have NO IDEA what she’s been through, what she’s going through, or how hard any of this is. “Real problems”? Do you get to decide what those are? Are you in charge? Spoiler alert, you’re not. The fact that you can even sit there and try to dictate which problems are “worse” just makes my head want to explode. Heartbreak is heartbreak, and shitty things are shitty things. There is no scale of 1-10, there is no measurement system. It’s all fucked. That’s not even a thing you can compare. You can merrily fuck right off.

  2. I believe in you. And even more than that, I know there is a better life waiting for you. I guarantee it 100%. You’re young, you’re smart, you’re talented, you’re gorgeous, you live in the United States. Most people are lucky if they get one of those five things. You’ve got them all. Feel it all, let it scream through you, let it go, and then go forth and be awesome. You can do it.

  3. Fucking win.
    Your ability to say what you feel inspires me. I have taking this irrationally positive approach and occasionally vent relentlessly to my friends. Secretly, your words ring true to my soul. I don’t have the trust situation, but I am facing for the first time in my life that I failed. I tried and failed. Everything I could was not good enough and I don’t have the courage to be angry, so I seek care bears and rainbows constantly to hide the emptiness of a life time commitment that I will was unable to keep alive because of forces I could not control.

    Keep doing you. Though it may not mean much at all, I am proud of you. Just make sure you Win. At the end, YOU be the one who right before you are laid to rest can say aloud: “WoW!” and not: “I should have.”

    You pump me up Gatti!!

  4. I wish this would all go away for you. Sometimes it’s easier to give into wanting to crawl into a hole and sleep forever. The only thing I can say, is though it may not seem like it, this too shall pass.

    I wish you peace and keep saying FUCK if it helps. FUCK. FUCK. FUCK. Also, whiskey and running.

    Hugs babe!

  5. It may seem like I’m talking total bullshit but when I read this? My only thought was that you are winning. Even right now when it feels like everything is at it’s absolute worst and rock bottom is a place you aspire to reach up and climb up to, your attitude, your never-giving-upness shows me that you are winning. Every day you get up, you win. Every day you do something for yourself, you stop carrying anything that isn’t yours, any day you realize your feelings are valid and carve out a space to share them, you are winning. So keep going. Keep going. I’m sending you heaps of love.

    Also? This totally goes against my internet commenting policy but Jenna needs to get a few hobbies. Perhaps working on empathy or quitting the internet because there is exactly 0% of the population who needs advice like “Really, I want you to be happy but enough already” when you are sharing YOUR thoughts on YOUR BLOG.

  6. I agree with Brandy, I think you are fucking winning. They always say there’s no script for life, but there’s definitely no script for this. No right way to process, no wrong way to process. You’re handling this in a way set to take the best fucking care of yourself as possible. You’re coping with this shit and seeing darkness that is scary and you’ve got your fighting gloves on. It doesn’t have to pretty. It doesn’t have to be fair. You aren’t required to mea culpa because a fictional person has it worse than you, or even a real person. This is your life that has been fucked up and not by your choice. So rage, storm, process, and hopefully come to the place where you can feel better. But however long it takes? We’ve got your back. There’s no timetable for processing and there’s no time limit on being a supportive friend.

    (((Hugs)))

  7. Amanda

    and actually im not sorry about commenting. need to stop over apologizing. and now I will stop commenting on this post.

  8. You, Terra, you will forge this path through Hell and leave claw marks and spit-hate on its walls and you will keep marching forward into the strong daylight. You will fight through the hard, and forge your own way, and win. And as much as you need to do this on your own and keep it close to your heart, know that you have all of us — so many of us — as the wind at your back. xo.
    PS, Please don’t ever stop writing.

    1. Yup, yes, everything Lauren said. Pain is pain no matter the source, and it sucks and it’s terrible, but you are going to be make it through because you. fucking. win.

  9. God, strangers can be just full of unwanted, useless and rude advice, amiright?! Or should I say assvice…

    Like I told you before, there’s no rule book for this shit. This is your story, your journey, and you get to make your choices. Of course, my wish for you is to feel whatever you need to feel, but wake up each day knowing you’re better than this situation, that you deserve more, that you are loved. This isn’t the end. It’s just the beginning of the next stage. You do you, girlfriend. And in the meantime, know that I love you. XO

  10. Ash

    I second, third, and fourth, every comment here – except for Jenna’s. Pain is pain, no matter the cause. Telling someone to get over it is like telling someone dying of cancer to be glad they’re not dying of starvation in wartorn Africa. Pain comes when it wants, it rears its ugly head when you least expect it, and the best way to release emotional pain is to “let it flow, then let it go.” Sometimes that takes a long while, and the truly eviserating aspect of this situation only happened very recently. Jenna has no idea of what YOU are going through, because she is not YOU.
    The only other thing I would say that hasn’t already been said is this: you wrote, “…the scorned bitch…” Don’t do that. Don’t own that word, “scorned.” You were the stronger person in this situation. Your careers separated you for a long while, almost two years. YOU stayed there and worked, took care of the house and critters, made sure the bills were paid on time, and, most importantly, dealt with the emotional difficulties of being alone, separated from the husband you had spent every day both working and living with for years. HE was the one who couldn’t handle being on his own. You were – and are – the better person, and I don’t want to ever hear you use that word in reference to yourself again. Got it?
    Giant hugs and lots of Love.

  11. Lady, you keep rocking it. I know that this is the hardest thing you have ever done and yet you are living through it. You are getting up every day and dealing with it. Whether you need to swear, drink, run, etc. to help deal with it, you are doing it.

  12. The part Lauren said about the wind at your back. That. That is exactly right. Keep fighting, spitting, clawing, but know that you’re not propelling yourself alone. We’re pushing you. You WILL get through. We won’t have it any other way.

  13. So much of what I’d write has been said better by Lauren, Brandy and the others supporting you. I heartily co-sign. You’ll get there, in no small part because of your fighting spirit.

  14. (Um, I hope the naysayers at the top of this comment thread know that you’re Italian and I’m Italian and while I don’t like to perpetuate stereotypes, some aren’t stereotypes (like Italian girls are strong and just enough crazy and have each other’s backs and they KNOW people) and well, don’t mess with us, and certainly don’t mess with the internet and all the people who care for you and would punch anyone who says something rude to you.)

    I can’t say anything any better than Brandy and Lauren and Doniree; I love what Doniree said about your friends being your wind, pushing you, helping you, getting you through. Consider me co-signing and thinking of you and I know that as hard and fucked up at it is right now (which I don’t doubt for a second because pain IS pain, feelings ARE feelings, hard is HARD), you will get through because you do fucking win and that does means a lot, that you’re fighting and pushing and writing and being and sharing. xo

  15. RAGE ON. The best way to work through your shit is to recognize it for the shittiness it is. Looks like you’re doing just that.

    But also recognize that you’re a BAMF. 🙂

  16. “We must maintain some semblance of sanity, no matter how hard it might be.”

    Those times when we think we’d go crazy if just the world would let us, those are the times we’ll look back on later, I’m told, & realize just how fucking strong we were. Are. Have become. You’ve always been a badass bitch, Terra, but this is another layer, another chapter – even if you don’t want it, you’re getting it, & you will be stronger for it one of these days, even if it just feels like crazy & burning right now.

    Whatever you do, my friend, don’t let life harden your heart. Keep on keepin’ on, but don’t burn it all down – not yet, not ever.

  17. Sorry I’m so late to this post lady but you’re a fucking champ. And I fucking love you.

    Also this: But you live it, you take it, you swallow it, you fix it. Because that’s what bitches like me do. We win. God help us. We fucking win.

    YES. To all of it. Whatever it means. xo

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