Some Real Talk. Because Life is Hard, Y’all.

Here’s the thing: I want to pour my soul out here. I want to tell this space my secrets and I want to yell and write in all caps and explain this shit to you, but I have this terrible restraint that keeps me from going to THAT POINT, the point of no return.

I don’t want this space to be the place where I lay ruin to everything and everyone. I don’t want it to be a sad place. I want to tell you about goose attacks and Snow White adventures and terrible Bitty cats who just turned 3, but let’s be honest, I’m not in a happy place and I can’t come here and talk about happiness and make jokes about the crazy hilarity that ensues from me just being me.

Clearly, I am going through some shit. Clearly, I am a little bit fucked up. Or a lot a bit fucked up, depending on who you ask. This is some shit. Some serious, fucked up shit.

But restraint. It’s a thing, apparently, that I possess, although I spend a lot of time wondering why.

“Not everything needs a soundtrack,” he says, in the living room that should have been ours, not just mine.

But I want my life to be a movie, I think. I want it to be this dramatic comedy, where love leaves and returns again, where there’s a killer soundtrack that makes you leave the theater thinking, YES, THAT, the soundtrack you download on the car ride home, post-movie.

I think about it a lot, really, the story I’ll write one day, the movie that should surely follow. I think about it when I’m running, the songs that play and I wonder about how much time a movie about my life can devote to running, because really, friends, that’s the shit that gets me through. Slow or fast, race pace or not, it’s the running that keeps me from devastation, from the havoc.

Here’s the bottom line: I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t know what to say, because so much of what I want to say is part of a private matter, and no matter what I want to yell out loud, I know, deeply, that it should stay that way, that it should stay private.

So I’m a little lost. What do I say here? What do I do?

But really. Bitty turned 3. The cat who attacks my friends, who slept on Andrew’s chest for the first many weeks of her life, when she wasn’t in a box on a heating pad on my nighstand table.

She’s a monster.

bittcat

Just like her parents.



The current soundtrack:
The District Sleeps Alone Tonight – Birdy
Redwings – Guillemots
 Pretty Girl at the Airport РThe Avett Brothers
Hate Me – Blue October

12 thoughts on “Some Real Talk. Because Life is Hard, Y’all.

  1. i think of you a lot (probably a weird amount for the few times we’ve met but, whatever, i’ll own the creepiness), what you’ve shared and what you haven’t, and i think, “she is strong as fuck. she’s going to be ok.” and every time this giant amount of sympathy rises up in me. i’m not sure why – i’ve never been in your situation. but it’s there, and you should know it, you should know that there are people you wouldn’t expect thinking of you and holding warmth and light for you, far away.

    and i also want to tell you that…you’re echoing a huge part of my own confusion with my blog, what i share, what i don’t. i think frequently about how we attract people when we are most honest, this is what resonates, but at the same time people whisper about you and roll their eyes when you have TOO many feelings, when shit is too dramatic. it was a big, giant fear of mine going into bisc the first year – i didn’t have a happy shiny blog with polka dots and glitter and cats and relentless positivity. i had a lot of feelings on the internet and a lot of them were dark and i worried deeply over how i’d be judged for that. all of this to say, the ideas of what it’s “ok” to discuss in public – i think they’re a thing many of us struggle with, overall.

    in any case, that meandered. i get your struggle. i have rules on what i’ll write about and time and time again i’m tempted to break them because something is just writhing inside of me and practically punching it’s way out – but the rules are there for a reason and, well, you know how it goes. there is email and there is journaling and there are phone calls but nothing quite compares to throwing it all out there, i get it. <3

    1. “but at the same time people whisper about you and roll their eyes when you have TOO many feelings.”

      This so much. I took my whole space down for over three months because of this, and the struggle to find the balance between what to share and what to keep.

      <3

  2. Ash

    Terra, the world is not all puppies and kittens, or Snow White adventures. We spend too much time trying to pretend it is, and then when the shit hits the fan, people think there’s something wrong with them if they are unable to shake off their negative emotions immediately. They hide what they truly feel behind false smiles, and tell everyone they are “okay” when, in truth, they aren’t. Alone with the darkness, they can get sucked into it and into a very self-destructive place. I keep thinking of David as I write this, and the courage you’ve shown every year in sharing his story and how it impacted you – and how I know those posts have made a difference.

    It takes great courage to share a journey through the dark nights of the Soul. By sharing that, I think you make “you” that much more “real” for your readers who have never met you. The readers who truly care what’s going on in your life are not going to shy away – your friends want to know how you truly are. And you may just really touch someone who is going through hard times and who needs to know that these feelings are normal.

    I come at the question of what is okay to share and what is not from a very different place, but then, my blog is a very different kind of blog. I write, bluntly and honestly, from the place of living in chronic pain and struggling daily with soul-sapping illness. But it’s in sharing not just the tips on how to do it – how to keep slogging on – and info that will help my readers, fellow patients, many of whom have become my dearest friends, but also in sharing the daily struggle, the dark places, the fight just to keep my head above water, that seems to touch and help so many… if you could only read some of the heartwrenching emails I’ve had, from people who have been struggling, all alone, some ready to give up, and the relief when they found they weren’t the only one, and that the anger, grief, and frustration was a normal response to an abnormal situation… connecting with them and connecting them into the large and supportive patient community has changed lives, and that was not something I could have foreseen or expected… but if my pain and suffering can make a difference, that is something I’m willing to bear – and share, when I’m able.

    But it comes down to doing what’s best and right for you, dearheart. I just wanted to share a different perspective. Love, always, no matter what.

  3. San

    I want to come and hug you (and eat nachos again). I think about you so very often (you probably don’t even know, unless you have had a lot of hiccups lately, then maybe you were wondering who was thinking of you ALL THE TIME).

    It’s hard to share what we REALLY want to talk about … especially in situations where it pretty much takes up all the emotions and time of our waking hours.
    There are always people out there who need to hear your story and who would be so grateful to not be alone in what they are going through… but I understand that you also want to protect your heart, because once you spilled all your secrets, you can’t take it back and maybe people, who are not so kind, will take pieces of your journey and twist them into something that you never said.
    I don’t know. I’ve been there…. having stuff happen in my life where I decided to not share it. Not just because I didn’t know how people would perceive it, but also because it was not my story alone to share. It effected other people (as it does in your case, I believe).

    BUT: there is always email and face-to-face conversations with people that will listen and that will help you through this and I know for a fact that so many people are rooting for you.
    Lots of hugs <3

  4. Margaret

    You need to vent – You’ve been going through a Siege !!! When we find a place for all the stuff going through our heads, and are able to vent – we always feel better. It’s a bit like throwing up. When it’s all gone…we feel better.

    Phone conversations, e-mails – individual or group-, coffee dates will work for you, and it will be more private than the net.

    Since you live a very interesting life, you can keep this page alive with Army stories, animal stories, first blooming flowers, neighborhood, beach, rivers, streams, along with your exquisite photography.

    Whatever you choose, it will be right for you.

  5. You’re the prettiest, bravest, & my most favorite person. I want to squish your face soon. Also, that cat looks adorable, but I know her secrets. Sometimes I wake up at night and I have PTSD of her staring into my soul while I tried to sleep… I’ve never fully recovered.

  6. Terra, I don’t even know what to say except that I wish I could hug your face right now and get lost on adventures with you. I’m sorry everything is sucking right now and I wish I had some magical remedy to cure all, but alas I don’t (dammit).

    Instead, I’m just going to let you know that I’m thinking of you so much and I’m always here if you need a good laugh. xo

  7. Echoing others… I think of you a lot which may be weird since we’ve never met but I feel this link with you, some how, some way. I know you have a ton of friends you’ve met face to face and at your job, but please know that I’m here. Really.

    Today I nearly punched a wall out of frustration, anger, sadness… I haven’t been blogging (for different reasons) but struggling with much of the same about the private stuff being private, but trying to figure out this intense life shit that, well, life, keeps throwing at us.

    I think you’re amazing and beautiful and wonderful and seriously, I’m here. If nothing else, please know that. xoxoxoxo

  8. Your blog is fantastic, the possum story brought back memories of a time gone by. And you’re absolutely right, write what you want and fuck anyone who doesn’t like it.

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