A goose attacked me on my 30th birthday.

Alright, you guys. Shit has been real, real sad and real, real vague around these here internet parts lately and frankly, I’m getting a little sick of my own sad vagueness. I mean, divorce is this awful and shitty and fucked up and terrible thing and I think I’m allowed a certain amount of emo-ness, but dammit, I went to the woods on my 30th birthday, alone, and, in true me fashion, I was attacked by a goose. And not for the first time. My life has been a series of goose attacks because apparently, if anyone fucking hates Snow White, it is the goose.


Post-road trip, I realized I really like being alone in the wilderness. I wasn’t thrilled with turning 30, but I decided I wanted to spend some time in the wild on my birthday, since the peace I found there while we were road tripping was something I was missing. I briefly entertained venturing to a national park, one I haven’t visited, in Ohio or Tennessee, but that seemed like a lot of work and so I headed to the closest state park instead. It took me forever to find the trailhead, but when I did the nearby parking lot was full of crows, which was fitting since I’ve got one tattooed on my wrist. The bridge leading to the trailhead, however, was full of geese. Three of them – two Canadian, and one white, rage-filled goose.

I am not a stranger to the attack of the goose. I grew up on a farm and goose attacks were a common thing in my youth. I imagine I spent most of my 11th year running from a pack of hostile gray geese in Ohio. But still. I approached this goose, and it’s Canadian friends, with a certain sort of swagger that my 30 years had lent me, and this goose hissed and fussed at me but once I reached the bridge and headed toward the trail, he backed off.

I figured I had escaped trouble, had finagled my way through the situation with my Snow White prowess, and so I set out into the woods. I spent some time laying on a rock, touching trees and moss and streams and things and, after an bit, I found my way back to the trailhead where there were two swing sets that I wanted to swing on, BECAUSE 30, but this couple showed up with their kayaks and I was feeling a little bit shy about swinging in front of them, for some stupid reason, so I walked along the river for a bit, feeling a bit self-conscious and waiting for them to get their shit together and get the fuck out of my way so I could behave like a child on my 30th birthday.  It was on my trek back to the swing set that I encountered the goose again.


We had words, me and this goose.

It walked right up to me on the swing set, reaching out its terrible goose neck and fussing at me and so I stomped at him, and he waddled away and I set to swinging.


Once I got off the swing set and started back to my car, not really wanting to leave, but knowing I had friends showing up in a few hours, the goose approached again.


And this time shit got real. Real real.

He went in for the kill. I captured it on camera, determined to document the whole debacle.


And then I chased that mother fucker of a goose across the field, flapping my arms and honking like the mother of all gooses, or, if you prefer, Mother Goose.

And he honked and hissed all the way across the field, flapping his stupid white goose wings, and then I, dignified, clearly, at 30, walked slowly back to my car daring that goose, who at this point couldn’t even look me in the eye, to fuck with me again.

And so it was. I turned 30 and made a goose my bitch.


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13 thoughts on “A goose attacked me on my 30th birthday.

  1. Ash

    OMG, this made me laugh so hard, T.! Thank you for that!
    Perhaps this was just and proper revenge for those damned Toulouse geese and the way they used to chase you – I can see that still so clearly, you trying to make your way past the 7 of them and them being like some kind of Medieval guards of the gate, squawking out “Thou shalt not pass!” in their strident and very loud goose voices, while you dodged, yelled, and swung a bucket of sheep food at them in self defense. You were not the only one happy when the local tables were loaded with Christmas Goose that year, and the Toulouse Goose Reign of Terror came to an end. You were 10, btw, not 11, so it took you 20 years to get your revenge, but I’m so very glad you did!

  2. WOW. Cracking up. I can totally see you doing this and I wish I had been there to witness you making that goose your bitch.

    Sending lots of 8-second hugs your way! Miss you, lady!

  3. Geese are the meanest motherfuckers in town, for real. There used to be, like, dozens of them that lived around the lake where we swam when I was a kid & everybody knew not to eff with those geese because they will mess a kid UP. I like their feet, though. Is that weird?

  4. I once fell into one of those fountain things at a shopping plaza and the walls were covered in goose poop (because, um, I didn’t listen to my mom when she said not to walk on the wall of the pond thingy. In Jelly Shoes.). I wasn’t allowed to sit on the seat on the way home since I smelled like goose crap. Ever since then I’ve not liked two things 1) jelly shoes because they were slipper and 2) geese because of their insane amount of poop.

    Point: glad you were able to make the goose your bitch because all they have ever done to me is embarrass me.

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