Chasing the sun, coveting armor and disconnecting in the desert.

DSC_0415This is story of how I got lost and found in the desert, at Joshua Tree National Park.

Megan had a wedding in Palm Springs, which is why we detoured to southern California on our way to Oregon and so I took the car and drove to Joshua Tree to get lost. It’s silly, really. This was Sunday and we’d been in the car all day, every day since Wednesday, and so instead of spending the day looking amazing poolside, I got back in the car, drove to Joshua Tree and spent the day there, meeting lizards and chasing birds.

DSC_0119

DSC_0156

DSC_0160

DSC_0166

The desert holds a special sort of magic for me, an East Coast girl who grew up in the mountains of Virginia and the caves of Ohio. Joshua Tree is it’s own world, different from everything and anything I’ve ever experienced.

I lost cell signal seconds after entering the park and was plunged into a sort of aloneness that doesn’t feel familiar anymore. I couldn’t text, couldn’t call, couldn’t instagram my adventures and I found myself, alone in that park, startlingly okay with being disconnected from everything and everyone. I didn’t have an agenda that day, it was just me and the desert and as much time as I needed to see it and feel it and live it.

untitled folder3

DSC_0176

DSC_0186

DSC_0189When a heart is broken it takes a lot to fix it, when the rug is pulled out from under you, when everything and everyday feels hard, it takes a lot. But being alone in the desert – really, really alone – healed something, some part of me that wasn’t sure I knew how to be alone.

Because here’s the thing – I didn’t know, until I went to Joshua Tree, that I could have adventures on my own. I didn’t know that I could walk away from the world for a little bit and get lost, alone. I didn’t know that I could be okay without him, until I found myself alone in the desert, but there I was, standing on top of a rock pile I’d climbed, the desert and the trees and the earth spread before me and even though there was this overwhelming sort of sadness that comes with heartbreak, there was also an incredible moment of peace. I wished him there a handful of times, because he’s my best friend and we’ve always adventured best together, but for so much of that day being alone in the desert felt exactly like the right thing to be.

DSC_0286

untitled folder4

DSC_0325

I spent six hours there, at Joshua Tree, driving through the entire park, shocked at the changing landscapes, amazed by the little lizards I found at the base of one of the trees, impressed by this one incredible blue bird who greeted me on a trailhead. I chased the crows and the sun and arrived, at sunset at the southern edge of the park, pulled over on the shoulder, not wanting the day be over because the peace I found there rivals nothing. I heard a coyote yip, got bit by bugs that swarm as the night begins to break and I felt, solidly and epically at peace, with all of it, with the pain and hurt and the anger and the inability to understand how something so perfect could ever be broken.

DSC_0394

DSC_0396

One thing about the desert is so much of the beauty is covered in sharp edges, spikes and thorns. You see a beautiful tree, bent by the wind and approach it to find it covered, solidly, in spiky armor. There’s a protective layer on so much of the desert.

DSC_0420

DSC_0442

I didn’t want to leave. I wanted to stay, sprawled on the hood of the car, to watch the stars come out. I wanted to go wild in that park, walk into the wilderness and not come out until my heart is healed. I’m still a little impressed that I managed to pull myself away from it, that the feral parts of me didn’t take over and force me into the rocks. I think the only thing that stopped me from going into the wild was my lack of provisions. And a slight fear of rattlesnakes.

4 thoughts on “Chasing the sun, coveting armor and disconnecting in the desert.

  1. Ash

    Terra, this is a post I’m I will come back and read over and over, it is so magically expressive and beautifully illustrated with your stunning photos – truly, one of the most beautifully written pieces on the impact of Nature that I’ve read, ever. I felt like I was there with you, and could so feel the transformation come over you as you wandered. I’m so glad you had this experience, beyond words… ah, hell, you’ve made me cry again, but in a very good way.

    When I went on my spiritual pilgrimage to South Dakota, I had a very similar experience. I, too, was hurting, confused, and didn’t know what to do. But, amongst other things, there was something for me about the sky, and the horizon stretching so far, uninterrupted – so unfamiliar for a forest and mountain girl. And there I was under a sky that went on forever, and yet, it seemed so very close… the only way I could ever come up with to describe it was that I felt like I was surrounded by the divine, and could reach out and touch it if I only tried… many very old wounds were healed on that trip, and fresh ones seen from a new perspective. Thank you for reminding me of the deep serenity I discovered, wandering alone amongst the sacred sage, over such a foreign, brown-hued landscape, with a great arch of brilliant blue sky above by day and the endless blanket of stars by night.
    Deep gratitude, for sharing this, and as always, deep Love.

  2. Terra I’m so glad you had this adventure. Your pictures are absolutely stunning and your experience is just the kind of magic we all need every now and then.

  3. Margaret

    God and your Angels were with you. He showed you that when you are in a desert part of your life, it is possible to survive and grow, and be strong against the hurt.

  4. You’re an amazing writer, you know that? I’m glad you were able to feel ok-ish, even for a moment or two. I know how awful heartbreak is, to have to deal with it and make sense of it. Here if you every need anything. xo

Leave a Reply