Wanting & Returning.

by terra on December 4, 2013 · 10 comments

in Deep Thoughts

Last night I collected a handful of poetry books and read poetry aloud in my dining room, music turned up, alone, with a few kitties making suspicious faces and burrowing into a neglected basket of clean laundry. I didn’t know I missed poetry until I found myself there, reading poem after poem, opening the books at any place and proceeding, yelling the words in caps, whispering the parentheticals.

I feel in some ways that I’m coming back to the person I was, recovering a few of the bits, or maybe it’s just the hurt that makes me reach for the comfort of words, just like always. Break my heart, and you’ll find me settled in, speaking the words to my favorite songs, wine glass in hand, poetry book beside me, along with an overabundance of emotions scrawled across some journal pages.

I think a lot about the person I’ve become, the person I’ve been and the person I want to be. I wonder sometimes if I’m not enough, not good enough or pretty enough or whatever enough, if I’ve spent years misreading signs or making devastating missteps.

I know I’ve made mistakes. I’ve yelled and cursed and pushed. I’m not perfect. But at the end of the day, I really like who I am.

I like that I’m a runner, that nachos account for 13% of my diet and that I giggle at the same things now that I did at 13. I like the way I laugh too loud, that my hair is almost always in a ponytail, that I still don’t know how to apply blush, even at 29. I like the skinny jeans in my closet, the beers in my fridge, the music on my iPhone and the support system I’ve culled from the different parts of my life. I like that I’m crass, that tacos are my favorite food and green is my favorite color.

Would I change parts of me? Of course. I’m not perfect. I’ve got a mean temper, for sure, and I’ve done and said things I wish I could take back. I wish I didn’t leave dishes in the sink overnight and I wish I was better about putting laundry away and walking the dogs and taking out the trash. I wish I could paint my nails without it looking like I murdered a paint can with my fingertips and I wish I could eat the lettuce in the fridge before it goes bad.

But the more time I spend pondering my inadequacies, the more I realize that really, I am enough. I deserve love and compassion and kindness, not games and uncertain sentiment. I didn’t do anything to deserve a trampling. I didn’t do anything to deserve the things that have been said and done and that’s it. I deserve better. Really. Because I’m fucking awesome. Not perfect. Not without faults, but fucking awesome. I’m a good person, mostly, just like most of us are mostly good. I’m the best person I’ve ever been.  I’m stronger and funnier and happier and more willing than ever to fight for the love I think I deserve.

So there.

I’ve changed, yes. I wasn’t this person before. I used to write terrible poetry, and now I read good poetry out loud to kitties and my dining table. I used to eat freezer meals and now I eat tacos and run four times a week because I love it and because it grounds me. I used to stress about every single little detail, like name cards at Thanksgiving and removing every stray bit of dog fur in the house, but life is too fucking short for that. I’m a beer drinker now, and jalapenos and hot sauce have entered my diet and are here to stay. I’m different, but the same.

I’m happier. I’m stronger. I’m braver. I’m better.

And I’m not sorry. I’m not sorry for changing, for learning how to be okay on my own and becoming a happier and better version of the same person I’ve always been. It doesn’t mean my life is too full, that there’s no room for the people I’ve always loved. It doesn’t mean the me I was is gone and dead – she’s still here, only new and improved. It doesn’t mean I want to walk away from the life I’ve been living or that I’ve outgrown it or drifted away from it.

I’m not the one pushing anything away.

All this really means is that some things have changed, like they have been since the beginning and like they will until the end.

You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.”
Mary Oliver, Wild Geese

{ 10 comments… read them below or add one }

Htotheizzo December 4, 2013 at 10:49 am

well said

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Megan Cassidy December 4, 2013 at 10:59 am

You are, indeed, fucking awesome, for all the reasons you mentioned above, for making changes, and for accepting yourself. I’m starting to realize the different ways I like who I am – I have a sweet job, I’m a good writer, dare I say I can “throw down” in the kitchen – and once that happens, you start to find new ways to be more awesome. Whatever the opposite of a “vicious cycle” is, that’s what that is.

High five and eight-second hug!
Megan Cassidy recently posted..Five Sneaky-Awesome Things to be Grateful For

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Laurie
Twitter: hibernationnow1
December 4, 2013 at 11:52 am

that’s very empowering, good for you. but i think lessons like these don’t just apply to one person, but to everyone in your life. once that occurs, you are totally free and love and all its magic will be drawn to you.
Laurie recently posted..Catherine Zeta Jones And Me (Pop Cop)

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tomfromhr December 4, 2013 at 1:20 pm

Great post, Terra. Thanks for sharing and reminding me I need to be a bit more me.

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Margaret December 4, 2013 at 3:48 pm

Excellent.

You’ve turned out as God intended.

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katelin December 4, 2013 at 7:44 pm

“I’m happier. I’m stronger. I’m braver. I’m better.”

THIS. Right there. You, my friend, are a champ. xoxo
katelin recently posted..Three Cheers to Family Time.

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Emilie December 4, 2013 at 10:28 pm

I really and truly love your writing. You draw me in with every post and I feel like I’m feeling what you’re feeling because that’s how real your writing is.

I’m so proud of who you are. You are strong and brave and courageous and you’re right: you deserve the very best. Change is always happening, that’s for certain. And it’s pretty awesome that you are becoming the best you that you’ve ever been in the midst of change. It’s not an easy thing to do. Props to you, lady. Keep being awesome.
Emilie recently posted..Twenty Six

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Nora December 12, 2013 at 2:17 pm

You, my friend, an are amazing freakin’ writing. Amazing.
It also makes me want to meet you yesterday and enjoy nachos (of course).
I think you’re a wonderful person full of love and life and you deserve all of that love and life right back at you. Biggest hugs to you, friend.
Nora recently posted..12 Days of Love Letter Writing

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Erin @ The Speckled Palate December 15, 2013 at 4:33 am

Beautifully put, Terra. And this? “But the more time I spend pondering my inadequacies, the more I realize that really, I am enough. I deserve love and compassion and kindness, not games and uncertain sentiment. I didn’t do anything to deserve a trampling. I didn’t do anything to deserve the things that have been said and done and that’s it. I deserve better. Really. Because I’m fucking awesome. Not perfect. Not without faults, but fucking awesome.”

I mean, just amen. I completely and totally agree and feel like I’m kind of going through some of the same things and coming to this realization and reading it here makes me feel good because we ARE enough and are awesome, even if we aren’t perfect. Because nobody’s perfect.

Thanks for writing this, friend. Hope you’re doing well and enjoying that poetry read aloud. (I’ve been reading lots of songs aloud to our dog recently, and I love the looks she shoots me. Ha.)
Erin @ The Speckled Palate recently posted..Christmas Potluck: Cider-Glazed Carrots

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Caryn January 18, 2014 at 9:21 am

I feel like a broken record but I can never say it enough. You know I love you, lady. I hate that you had to go through hell and back to grow into who you are and be who you are today. You’ve endured more than you deserve but you came out stronger, more independent, braver and a more authentic version of yourself. I’m proud of you. Despite all the struggles on the exterior, I am glad that you are finally finding happiness with who you have become on the inside, as TERRA. That is the start of finding happiness again. LYA&F.
Caryn recently posted..November and December: Being sick, celebrating another birthday and thoughts on 2014!

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