I try to remind myself that yesterday is done. Itâ€™s gone. I canâ€™t go back and do anything over.
I tell myself that the decisions Iâ€™ve made have led me to this point, for better or for worse. Those decisions are made and done. When made, they seemed right. Itâ€™s too late to regret them because theyâ€™re done. Thatâ€™s it.
Iâ€™ve said that life is too short for regrets. Iâ€™ve tried to keep them out. Iâ€™ve caulked the corners, sealed myself off to the very possibility of regret, and yet, there it is. They made it through anyway, no matter how hard I tried to keep them out, there are the regrets, unscathed and triumphant.
I know whatâ€™s done is done. I know that. I know I canâ€™t go back.
But I want to.
I want a do-over. I want to go back, and do it again, different this time. I want to try a different path, just to see if it ends at a different point. I want to change my mind. I want to try harder, I want to be better and I want, more than anything, to try whatâ€™s behind curtain number two.
I donâ€™t know if it would make a difference. I donâ€™t know if it would change anything. But thatâ€™s just it â€“ I donâ€™t know. What if it would have? What if Iâ€™d gone? Packed the boxes, me, the kitties, the dogs, and gone too? What if it changed everything?
I know itâ€™s not healthy to dwell on what might have been. Thereâ€™s a logical part of me that can step away from the emotional response and evaluate the situation. I know that playing that game, the What If game, doesnâ€™t get me fucking anywhere, but that doesnâ€™t mean I can stop myself from playing it. I hear the logic â€“ whatâ€™s done is done â€“ I get it, but I canâ€™t stop looking behind me, wondering if a simple but big choice could have saved the whole damn thing.
So I sit with the regret. I wonder if I have enough to pull us out and up on my own. I play the game, going back and forth, weighing the options: the could have beens, the would have beens, the what ifs.
It gets me nowhere, I know. But I canâ€™t stop. Once the regret gets in, itâ€™s hard to shake.