I’ve been in the trenches of deep thought lately, swirling around my past and doing my best to figure out the parts I must have missed. There’s a lot I don’t know. I don’t know how to alleviate the pain I sometimes feel. I don’t know what next year will look like. I don’t even know what tomorrow will look like. I don’t know what comes next or how to fix the things that are broken and half the time I don’t even know how to explain myself. I don’t know how to do this, this crazy unnamed, undefined thing.
Every day is different, which I guess is the way it goes when things get twisted and messed up. I can be happy, despite the hard things that are happening, but then I can be so, so sad and most days it just feels like I’ve settled into a steady state of an aching sort of sadness that’s always in the background. I can laugh and smile, but it’s still there, the hurt. It’s lurking just below the surface, looking for any sort of excuse to roll open the floodgates.
I’ve learned some things though. Because the mountains – literal or figurative – they teach you.
1. There is only now. Yesterday is done. That’s it. Yesterday is gone. I can spend hours going over and over the things I could have done differently, the decisions I could have shifted right or left, the things I should have done and the words I should have said, but it won’t get me anywhere. It can’t be changed – not here, not now – because it’s done. This is it. This is the reality that all of my previous decisions have created.
2. I define me. I get to pick the words I use to tell my story. I can define me by the hard stuff, by the bullshit and the tears and the heartbreak, or not. I can let this be all that I am, or not. It’s up to me. It’s up to me to tell my own story, to define myself in good ways or bad. I’m not just one thing, not just one experience, and just one experience isn’t allowed to define who I am.
3. Happiness is a personal pursuit. I’m not going to say that happiness is a choice, because it’s not that simple, but I believe that happiness is something that comes from you. I don’t think it’s something we can get from others. We can’t rely on friends or lovers to create it for us, because it’s personal. Happiness comes from liking who and what we are. Friends, lovers and adventures can enhance it, but they can’t create it.
There’s more, too. I know that I’m ok, even when I don’t feel ok. I know that I will be ok, no matter what, because I endure. That’s what I do. I’m really good at getting knocked down and then finding the strength to get up and keep going.
I know what I want too, which I think is important. I’ve weighed the options, uncovered the truest of my true feelings and found out how I really feel, which is pretty much exactly how I thought I felt.
I believe in love. That’s it. That’s enough.