Wisdom tooth removal, the Tooth Fairy & dentist hate.

I had my first wisdom tooth removed yesterday. I’ve managed to make it all the way to 29 with having only a mole removed from my person and I’ve been clinging dearly to the three wisdom teeth I do have for the better part of the past decade. I’ve largely felt that the wisdom tooth removal business is an absolute racket and since my smartest teeth weren’t moving anything I was damn determined to keep them forever and ever and amen.

But then my lonely left side tooth of wisdom grew itself a cavity and suddenly, all bets were off.

The dentist said it would be easier to take it out than to fill it. They said I should just make a day of it and have the whole cluster of teeth taken out, in one big swoop, and I said NO, THANK YOU to that mess because I didn’t want to have to deal with having three teeth taken out all in one day without Andrew here to deal with my whiny and miserable ass, so we scheduled the removal of one tooth.

I rescheduled once. I was scared, partly, but also flying two days after the would-have-been surgery and that seemed like an awful idea and so then yesterday was the day.

I spent six hours before my appointment hating the dentist, because really, there’s not a lot to love about a dentist and no matter how nice my dentist might be, she’s still a dentist and I can’t figure out the appeal in that or why anyone would want to become a dentist unless they just really, really fucking love torturing people. Dentists are the stuff of nightmares. What sort of person grows up to want to inflict mouth torture on innocent civilians?


Are there children in the world who grow up thinking that being a dentist would be neat? And if there are, what other career fields do they consider? Homicidal maniac? Dog catcher? Waterboarding specialist? Dentists aren’t on the light side, you guys. Them folks are evil, as are their minions, the dental hygienists and dental assistants of the world, ready and eager with that little moisture sucker of doom thing that makes me feel like my mouth has been attached to the end of a blow dryer.

I get why people become doctors of others sorts, but DENTISTS? WHY? What makes someone want to earn their living poking around in someone else’s mouth hole?

And also, why in the FUCK do they ask you how you are when you get there? How do you think I am, asshole? I’M AT THE DENTIST’S OFFICE FOR FUCK’S SAKE, Land of Pain & Misery and condemnation of my irregular flossing habits. I’m not here for anything fun, ever. I’m here so you, devil shit that you are, can clean my teeth so ferociously that I hurt for 8 hours afterwards, so you can numb one side of my face so I spend the rest of the day determined I’m drooling. I’m here for a tooth removal, bitches. It ain’t a good day.

Of course I didn’t say all that, but I thought it really, really hard.

And then, when it was over and done and not as bad as I thought it would be, EXCEPT FOR THE PART WHERE I SAW PLIERS NEAR MY FACE, the billing lady asked me how I was.

I get it. It’s the way we communicate. We don’t really want to know the answer, but when I’ve just spent an hour in the dentist’s chair being poked with needles and harassed with pliers, asking me how I’m doing is a dangerous sort of thing.

At the end of it, when a dental demon showed me my removed wisdom tooth, I realized how unfair this growing up thing is. As kids we got money for the teeth we lost. It was exciting. I’d spend days poking at the loose tooth with my tongue, just waiting for it to fall out so I could tuck it under my pillow and get whatever the Tooth Fairy would give me for the silly tooth.

As an adult, it’s nothing like that. I stress and worry about the tooth for a week beforehand and then, when it’s taken from my head, I have to pay for its removal and the pain that’s been inflicted on me.

Growing up is bullshit and I miss the Tooth Fairy.


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17 thoughts on “Wisdom tooth removal, the Tooth Fairy & dentist hate.

  1. Ack, I hate going to the dentist as well. I had my wisdom teeth removed when I was about 16. Since my jaw is small and crowded, I had a couple of molars removed separately. Getting the molars out was pure hell, they opted to just stab the living hell out of my gums with the LARGEST NEEDLE I HAVE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE! I mean, couldn’t they have gassed me for that one? The piece de resistance was when they told me to “relax” as they are coming at me with an 8ft Novocaine needle.
    At least later when they removed my impacted wisdom teeth, I was gassed. I resembled a chipmunk for a few days, and almost had a fainting spell after taking the pain killers. Bleck.

  2. Who says we have to grow up? 😉

    Man, we have different experiences at the dentist but I found this post highly entertaining. I’m sorry it’s never good for you. My least favorite part is when my dentist asks me a question when he’s doing crap in my mouth and I try to talk and realize… oh, you can’t understand me because my teeth and tongue can’t form coherent words. Why must he ask the questions at the worst times?

    And wisdom teeth suck. You should have asked for a vicodin anyway.

  3. I really like my dentist here in Portland, which makes me sad that I’m never going to see him again. I don’t mind going too much, it’s the expense of getting cavities filled and such that frustrates me. That being said, I had all four wisdom teeth surgically removed during winter break my senior year of college, and let me tell you, few things can ruin a “break” faster. Also, “dry sockets” is the worst physical pain I have ever felt in my entire life. Like, the only physical pain that’s ever made me cry.

  4. I was a big wuss and had them put me under “twilight” for my wisdom tooth removal. I had all four out at once. The only upside? They ordered me to get a milkshake afterwards, Glee was huge then so I watched the whole first season in like three days and I lost about 10 pounds because having four teeth out at once is freakin’ painful and I hated to eat anything for about two solid weeks!

    I am with you. I loathe the dentist. I have rescheduled my 6 month check-up three times already =)

  5. I was born 6 weeks premature, had to stay in the hospital for over a month but in the process I never got wisdom teeth. I’ve never loved my mama more! Never got them and had a baby tooth until I was 56! Which I did put under my pillow for the tooth fairy. One of my children inherited my lack of wisdom teeth and the other has 4 impacted wisdom teeth. Sorry, kids. Love, Mom

  6. Weirdly enough I don’t hate the dentist. I guess it is partly because I still have never had a cavity. (knock on wood). My Uncle was a Dentist for the Navy. He hated it because everyone hates their dentist – he did it probably because my grandmother wanted him to be a dr and he didn’t want to be a physician of some kind. Don’t ask. anyways- Did you know that of all Dr’s – dentists have the highest suicide or depression rate? True story.

  7. I actually like going to the dentist. My dentist is fabulous, even though her stomach is always growling. She’s so skinny – I kinda just want to tell her to go eat a bagel smothered in cream cheese already. Whoa, sidebar…

    I’ve had a bit of dental work done in my life – I just don’t seem to have great enamel, therefore I get tons of cavities – but even still, I don’t mind. What DOES piss me off is the expense of it all. But I really like having my teeth cleaned. It’s so gratifying! And yes, I realize this makes me weird.

  8. TJ

    I’ve never had a problem with the dentist, but like Mikael, I hate the conversations they try to have with you while your mouth is full of instruments – and I’m more referring to dental hygenists than dentists.

  9. Growing up, my grandfather was my dentist, & I LOVED going to him. It was such a bizarrely fun experience, even when it hurt, because my cousins & I got VIP treatment & a Beanie Baby after every visit, & we sometimes made impressions of our teeth in those weird pink molds just because we could, & also, I never had any cavities, which probably helped. As an adult, I am terrified of going to the dentist & also miss my grandfather desperately any time I go, so it’s basically an extra-miserable experience. When I got my wisdom teeth removed in college, I was a whiny, awful, in-pain asshole, & I think my mother almost hated me. And my whole face bruised, so my cheeks were green.

    In other words: Girl, I feel you. Hope you’re taking care of that tooth-hole because dry-socket is the worst. DON’T GET THAT BECAUSE THEN YOU HAVE TO GO BACK TO THE DENTIST.

  10. V.

    I had all of my wisdom teeth removed as a teenager before they even had a chance to grow out of my jaw (hence it was done by an oral surgeon, not a dentist). So glad I don’t have to deal with that anymore.

  11. Bahaha, this is probably one of the best rants about dentists I’ve heard (read?) in a long time. I’ve never been terribly fond of them either, but I’ve had a lot of QT with them. Very few of my baby teeth (especially the back ones) would come out on their own, so I had many a tooth pulled.

    I got all 4 of my wisdom teeth out at the same time, during winter break in college while it was still covered by my dad’s insurance. What’s funny about having oral surgery as an adult versus a kid is that you can more accurately pinpoint the feeling when the “happy gas” kicks in – “WHEE, I FEEL DRUNK!” I only vaguely recall when he told me they were on the last tooth. And then I ate ice cream for the next four days. I sat down with a bowl at like 10am one morning and my dad just looks at me and is all “what are you doing?” and I’m like WISDOM TEETH! and he kind of rolled his eyes but didn’t question me any further. It was awesome.

    Anyway I was at the dentist last week and I think your beef should really be with the hygienists rather than the dentists. Mine was super nice but OMG my gums have never bled so much during a cleaning, ever.

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