I’ve started off 2013 in a weird place. My stupid plantar fascia injury has beaten and killed my motivation and it’s making all the goals I have for the year seem almost beyond my grasp, at least running wise. And since Andrew is back in Alabama, flying helicopters like a bad ass mother fucker, and since there are no grand and epic adventures planned for us this year beyond my monthly trips to Alabama, I’m feeling a bit lost. I keep waking up each morning hoping my foot won’t hurt and that I can put some running shoes on and go for a run and then every morning that it still hurts I start to feel more and more crazy because really, ALL I WANT IS TO GO FOR A FUCKING RUN, which is so frustrating, but also slightly bewildering, because since when did I become the sort of person who goes ever more crazy with each run she misses? I mean, what the fuck is that? Is this really my life?
Also, sometimes I’m really fucking dramatic. I know, logically, that this stupid foot thing will heal and I’ll be able to run again, but there is this bewildered part of me that is assuming that I won’t be able to do anything active EVER AGAIN and all this not running means that each run I miss means I lose bits of progress that I’ve made with running and ALL THE WOE AND SPITE AND SADNESS AND BOO MOTHERFUCKING HOO.
I’m also realizing that this living alone thing means I spend too much time in my own head sometimes, which is what I’m prone to do anyway, and without anyone around most days to distract me, I just curl up with my thoughts and do ALL THE THINKING and ALL THE FEELING and sometimes I think I just make myself crazier with all the thinking and feeling. And then I think about all the shit I could be doing, like painting the bedroom or quilting or learning how to do handstands or WHAT THE FUCK EVER and then I just think some more about why I’m not doing those things and IT’S AN AWFUL FUCKING CIRCLE OF THINKING that I wish would just SHUT THE FUCK UP.
And the thing is, in spite of it, I do still have goals for the year and no matter how bitter I feel right now, I feel like I should write them down, even if they seem distant in these instants of foot pain and husband-in-Alabamaness. Because there’s still shit I want and will accomplish, foot injury, occasional stumbles into pits of darkness and husband absences be damned!
2013’s DO IT LIST*
CAUSE DOING IS THE ONLY OPTION
1. RUN A HALF MARATHON.
2. ROAD TRIP.
3. GET ANOTHER TATTOO.
4. EMBARK ON AN EPIC ADVENTURE TO CELEBRATE ANDREW’S FLIGHT SCHOOL GRADUATION.
5. RUN IN FOUR OR MORE MUD, OBSTACLE, OR ADVENTURE RACES.
7. GET THE HONEY BADGER BACK.
8. FIGHT FOR THE THINGS THAT MATTER MOST, AND WIN.
9. READ 50 OR MORE BOOKS.
10. PLOT A GRAD SCHOOL PLAN.
2013 seems like a big deal. My 5 year wedding anniversary is Friday, I turn 29 in March and my 10 year Army anniversary is in May. It’s a whole year of crazy milestones. Fingers crossed I get the hell out of my own way and let the awesome be awesome.
* I understand that a do-it list sounds a little (or a lot) dirty and that’s exactly why I like it, dammit.