Feeling all of things, a fight worth fighting and vague dreams in the making.

Lately I have been feeling ALL OF THE THINGS. Sad, happy, empty, lonely, okay, fine, cheerful, hungry, stagnant, scared, wistful, bitter, sleepy, annoyed. All of the things. All of the emotions, right there, stuck in the middle of my chest clamoring for some sort of acknowledgement that sometimes, when you think about taking the snow globe of your life and shaking the shit of it, things can get sort of weird.

And that – the snow globe shaking – is exactly what we’ve done. Andrew and I woke up on different days this spring and realized that our aspirations are worth fighting for, that the things we’ve always wanted to do should be sought after and not left to wilt on the back burner. Time is running out and if we don’t decide to act on our dreams right this instant, we might not ever get to.

So then things started happening. Plans were hatched, dreams acted upon, meetings held and now suddenly we’re careening down this path that will hopefully have us living in different states by the end of this year.

But the thing is, nothing is final yet. There’s no word yet on which dreams are happening – mine or his or both. He won’t know until at least May. I won’t know until at least January and so now I’m stuck with all this nervous, anxious energy, stressed about what’s to come, nervous at the prospect of living in this massive house all by myself, scared at what it all means emotionally and financially, and what our marriage will look like on the other side of all these dream chasing.

And here’s the kicker: I don’t know what’s scarier – that I’ll get what I want, or that I won’t. I don’t know what I fear the most, the realization that I am capable of doing this really big thing (that I’m obviously still too terrified to talk about in a public space), or that all my insecurities will be recognized and I’ll be flatly denied, mocked for even attempting such a thing.

It’s a circle. It’s an awful circle of self-doubt and a bit of self-loathing and a little bit of hope and then a voice inside my head that beats the shit out of the hope with a crowbar for even having the audacity to think that me – little me – could possibly achieve such a ridiculous thing. And really, the self-doubt and that stupid awful voice that tells me I am incapable of such things only pisses me off more because who the fuck are you, voice, to tell me what I can and cannot do? and since when did I let myself get derailed by naysayers parading around in my own head space? And, maybe most importantly, what in the hell happened to my inner honey badger? When did I start giving a shit?

I’ve tried writing it down over and over and over again, the way I’ve been feeling, and nothing has come out right. I’ve started blog posts with simple statements like “I’m sad” and then spent an hour staring at a blinking cursor trying to figure out what I mean by that, if that’s correct, accurate. And it’s not. Not really. I’m sad, sure, sad that I might have to spend time away from my number one partner in crime, sad that I might have to move, that things might be very, very different for a while, sad like I haven’t been in a long, long time, but I’m more than that too. I’m weighted by the realization that the path I’ve got to travel down in order to reach my pot of gold is criss-crossed with mountain ranges and wild cougars and maybe even an ocean of piranhas.

But you know what’s worse that fighting off piranhas? Not trying. Spending the rest of my life wondering if I could have, should have. Spending years on a rocking chair pissed off at myself for not being my number one fan, for letting the self-doubt get the best of me.

And I know all these things. I know I’ll regret it if I don’t at least try. I know that I can survive in this house by myself for a year or so. I know that I can handle it. It’s just that, at the same time as knowing it all, I don’t. There’s that sliver that says I can’t. That I’ll drown. That I won’t make it, that the piranhas will eat me alive, that I won’t be okay, and all I want is to be able to turn down that awful noise, that awful garble about inability and unworthiness, and just get on with dream catching already.

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10 thoughts on “Feeling all of things, a fight worth fighting and vague dreams in the making.

  1. KT

    Hmm I don’t have any words of wisdom either….except that you should definitely follow what will make you happy- especially when you are young and have the time. I hope things work out for you guys!

  2. Terra – you are one of the most brave and strong people I know. You have always been one to beat to your own drum and stand up for what YOU believed in. I don’t think this should be any different. It is one of the reasons I admire and love you so much. * Take it from me, the unknown is scary as shit.* It is paralyzing. It causes sleepless nights. But you need to follow your gut and have faith that this is the avenue you want to explore.

    Boo, I BELIEVE IN YOU and I think you are meant for amazing things. I believe in an andrew too, and that it will all work out. I think not being together for a year (?) will be hard, I won’t deny that. But it might make you guys stronger and appreciate each other that much more. I believe everything happens for a reason and puts you on a path to where you are supposed to go. Every decision we make puts us on a path and opens new doors. Maybe the path you are expecting will open other days that you haven’t even thought of yet.

    If your gut is saying this is something you need to do, i fully support you. Ignore your demons and doubters in your head. I said to sara fry the other day, “don’t be an asshole to yourself”. Do not berate yourself. And I mean it, you can do whatever you put your mind to. What is the worst that happens? It doesn’t work out? AT LEAST you will have given it your all. No regrets. I love you and am always here for you.

  3. San

    Wow this is huge. And even though you’re not specific in what your goals are (his and yours), it’s pretty clear that you did a lot of thinking and soul-searching and that you’re even willing to consider living in different states is a huge, huge step (not impossible though – there are other couples that have made the LDR work, me included!).

    Good luck on your endeavors, Terra. I believe you can do whatever you set your mind to.

  4. I’m so glad I got to see you last night – I was worried about you after reading this yesterday. You and Andrew are two of my favorite people in the world, and I have no doubts that you guys will get through all of this stuff. Like San said, plenty of couples have made a LDR work (me and Billy for one!) and you guys have such a strong, solid marriage that I know everything will be OK. No matter what happens, I’m here. I’ll bring you wine and cupcakes and give you hugs and help you whenever you need it. Chin up lady, good things are coming. XO

  5. Ash

    Terra, if there is one thing I know for certain, it’s that you can do anything you want to do. You have the willpower, strength of heart, and stubborn determination to not only accomplish anything you set out to do, but to do it exceptionally well. You have shown me that over & over. Every difficulty, every challenge, and every fucked up thing you’ve gone thru in your life has given you even more strength – you can conquor any mountains you encounter, and the piranhas won’t dare bite you, for you will look at them all steely-eyed and stare them down.
    We ALL have that voice in our head, the one that says, “who am I to think I can do that?” Ignore it, and follow your heart & soul wherever they lead you.
    And you & Andrew are such a combination that no seperation for a year is going to be a problem – you’ll appreciate each other even more.
    Go for it, the both of you – live your dreams, make them real, and be everything you want to be.

  6. Wow this sounds pretty major! I know everything will happen the way it should because it always does. At least you gave it a shot! That’s what matters most!

  7. Eeep! I feel ya. I don’t know what to say, other than that life is scary and confusing and even so, you’ll figure it all out, because you’re awesome, and whichever way the dice land, you’ll pick up in that direction and go full speed at it. Because you’re awesome. Like I just said.

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