{5 Points} Things I do not do.

1. Eat sea creatures. When I tell people I don’t eat seafood they look at me all alarmed-like and incredulously wide-eyed and ask “Even Lobster?!? What about shrimp!?! CRAB LEGS?!?!” And I suppose if someone really, really loves those things in the way that I love chocolate or cheese, maybe, just maybe, it would to sad to meet someone who didn’t, but really, when I say I don’t eat seafood, I mean really, I don’t seafood. Any of it. Not even lobster.

I’m pretty positive my sea critter aversion stems from the trauma of seafood catastrophes created solely to torment little, 5-year-old me, or at least it sure as hell felt that way when my mother or stepfather declared FISH FOR DINNER in a voice that my memory assures me was fraught with doomsday intonations. I declared, as soon as I had enough sense to declare, that I would not, no way, no mother fucking how, eat a sea creature EVER AGAIN. And I didn’t. It’s been at least 20 years, and, given how far into this sea creature ban I am, I don’t see myself eating one any time soon. I view the aquarium as a nice place to visit, not a place to grab lunch.

2. Swim. I mentioned in my post on the Warrior Dash that I nearly drown, and it’s true. The water was only supposed to be waist level, but heavy rains the entire week before flooded the river and so, as I was trying to roll myself over logs, I realized I couldn’t touch the bottom and started to panic. I reached for a nearby branch, eyes stinging with tears and hyperventilation starting to beat on my chest, when a woman next to me asked if I was okay. I told her I couldn’t swim, she grabbed me and pulled me to a spot where I could touch, at which point I thanked her over and over and over for saving my life and went on to run the rest of the race. I’ve almost drown before, but never as an adult and the recognition hit hard: Enough of this shit. It’s time to learn to swim.

3. Ride bikes. Unlike swimming, bike riding will never save my life and, at 27, I’m having a hard time figuring out why I should subject myself to leaning something new that will subject me to skinned knees and bruises.

The only bike I ever called my own was abandoned during a move, was never replaced and, thus, I never learned to a ride a bike.

Friends are always alarmed at my inability to ride a bike, demanding to know what sort of nonsense my childhood was filled with if not bike riding, and just about every person I’ve ever befriended, upon learning of my lacking prowess in bike riding, has declared that they will be my noble teacher and teach me how to ride a bike and then – oh joy! – they exclaim, we’ll go for joyous bike rides through various cities and over far away hills and have grand adventures! And yet, here I sit, 27 and still, not of those friends has taught me how to ride a bike and really, I don’t care to learn.

4. Drink gin. You know how everyone has that one drink they got really drunk from that one time way back in the Before Times when they started drinking that may or may not have led to copious amounts of vomit and/or embarrassing shenanigans? For me, that drink was gin. Nothing truly embarrassing happened, really, but it was the one and only time I ever woke up with vomit in my hair and I have since sworn it off. The smell of it bothers me to no end and instantly takes me back to my first, and most miserable, hangover.

5. Turn down chocolate, cheese or red wine. Some things are just meant to be included in life and for me, these things are chocolate, cheese and red wine. They are my favorite things, things that I could live off of and things that compliment a whole heap of other marvelous things. Add cheese to pasta, vegetables, a cracker, bread, or merely a fork and, chances are, you’ve improved it. Throw in some red wine to sip with nearly any meal and it’s made better. Add chocolate to peanut butter, fruit, ice cream, a marshmallow, graham cracker or cake and, chances are, it gets better. Some things are just not meant to be resisted.

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22 thoughts on “{5 Points} Things I do not do.

  1. Amy

    I didn’t learn to ride a bike until I was 8. And now, bike riding makes me nervous. Case in point: Andrew got me an adorable bike for my birthday a few years ago. I’ve ridden it twice. It got a flat tire. Last week, he got it repaired, bought me a helmet and wants to go on a bike ride this weekend. I’m…petrified.

  2. oh seafood.. more for me! πŸ™‚ i didn’t learn to ride a bike until right before college b/c it was a biking campus. i would’ve been late to every class if i didn’t learn to ride a bike that summer. except i’m tall, so i bought a shorter bike, so i could just put my feet on the ground if it got too scary.

  3. Oh girl, I feel you on the not being able to touch the bottom/non swimming mess. I can tread water but only in a calm manner if I know there’s a place to step down nearby. OMG.

    Fish = gross. Shellfish = more for me!!! There’s a huge difference.

    You couldn’t pay me to ride a bike in the city. I would LOVE to go for a nice ride/picnic in the country though.

  4. capitolhilll20210

    I refuse to eat sea creatures as well — I used to eat a lot of tuna in high school and all of the sudden ended up in the hospital — since then no more. I just tell people I am allergic and they leave me alone.

  5. I refuse to eat seafood and you can imagine how shocked people are, seeing as I live in Seattle. I find it completely disgusting and I just Will. Not. Eat. It. While I am a fairly picky eater, I’ll eat most things if I have to, but I won’t touch seafood of any sort – not salmon, not lobster, not any of the other stuff people think is so amazing. It’s so rare that I come across anyone else who hates seafood with the same sort of passion!

    I actually won’t turn down chocolate, cheese, or red wine, either – best things ever.

    1. It’s hard to visit places like Seattle or San Francisco or the Outer Banks or anywhere near an ocean or large body of water because everyone wants to go out for fishy dinner and I just can’t handle it. It’s so gross!

  6. Ash

    I seem to recall a very young child that got violently ill in a Red Lobster… and that was the end of seafood for her. Ever after, if she even caught a whiff of it, she’d get all nauseated-like…

    1. True Story: Andrew dragged me to Red Lobster last year and ordered crab legs and the snapping and cracking sound upset me so much I almost cried. It was awful and also ridiculous because really, WHO CRIES OVER CRAB LEGS?!

  7. I can’t swim either! I mean, I can probably survive for a couple minutes in deep water, but the most I can do is doggy-paddle and let’s face it, that’s not going to save my life if I am ever stranded in the ocean. Oh, and my husband makes fun of me because I cannot swim. I also could not ride a bike until I was 9 years old, and people thought I was SO WEIRD.

    1. I can sort of doggie paddle too, but really, it’s not ever going to save me and in a crisis, I’d panic anyway. Glad I’m not the only one who can’t swim though!

  8. Once again, I’m with you on almost everything (other than the riding the bike and swimming part…while I like swimming, I’m terrified of it for an entirely different reason: DRAINS. because clearly the sharks are lurking beneath the drains ready to DEVOUR ME WHOLE). And I only started eating seafood tentatively a couple years ago, but seafood that looks alive still (lobster, crab, shrimp) freaks me the f*ck out!

    1. YES! Seafood with eyes still attached is the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen on a plate. It’s just SO CREEPY. And really, shrimp and lobster look like sea creatures that would eat your first born and I just don’t understand why anyone would ate them. Ick.

  9. Riding a bike is overrated – it’s mostly a hell of a lot of vagina hurts and not much else. I’d literally rather do ANY other form of exercise in the universe.

    Not even calamari?!? πŸ™‚

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