1. Eat sea creatures. When I tell people I don’t eat seafood they look at me all alarmed-like and incredulously wide-eyed and ask “Even Lobster?!? What about shrimp!?! CRAB LEGS?!?!” And I suppose if someone really, really loves those things in the way that I love chocolate or cheese, maybe, just maybe, it would to sad to meet someone who didn’t, but really, when I say I don’t eat seafood, I mean really, I don’t seafood. Any of it. Not even lobster.
I’m pretty positive my sea critter aversion stems from the trauma of seafood catastrophes created solely to torment little, 5-year-old me, or at least it sure as hell felt that way when my mother or stepfather declared FISH FOR DINNER in a voice that my memory assures me was fraught with doomsday intonations. I declared, as soon as I had enough sense to declare, that I would not, no way, no mother fucking how, eat a sea creature EVER AGAIN. And I didn’t. It’s been at least 20 years, and, given how far into this sea creature ban I am, I don’t see myself eating one any time soon. I view the aquarium as a nice place to visit, not a place to grab lunch.
2. Swim. I mentioned in my post on the Warrior Dash that I nearly drown, and it’s true. The water was only supposed to be waist level, but heavy rains the entire week before flooded the river and so, as I was trying to roll myself over logs, I realized I couldn’t touch the bottom and started to panic. I reached for a nearby branch, eyes stinging with tears and hyperventilation starting to beat on my chest, when a woman next to me asked if I was okay. I told her I couldn’t swim, she grabbed me and pulled me to a spot where I could touch, at which point I thanked her over and over and over for saving my life and went on to run the rest of the race. I’ve almost drown before, but never as an adult and the recognition hit hard: Enough of this shit. It’s time to learn to swim.
3. Ride bikes. Unlike swimming, bike riding will never save my life and, at 27, I’m having a hard time figuring out why I should subject myself to leaning something new that will subject me to skinned knees and bruises.
The only bike I ever called my own was abandoned during a move, was never replaced and, thus, I never learned to a ride a bike.
Friends are always alarmed at my inability to ride a bike, demanding to know what sort of nonsense my childhood was filled with if not bike riding, and just about every person I’ve ever befriended, upon learning of my lacking prowess in bike riding, has declared that they will be my noble teacher and teach me how to ride a bike and then – oh joy! – they exclaim, we’ll go for joyous bike rides through various cities and over far away hills and have grand adventures! And yet, here I sit, 27 and still, not of those friends has taught me how to ride a bike and really, I don’t care to learn.
4. Drink gin. You know how everyone has that one drink they got really drunk from that one time way back in the Before Times when they started drinking that may or may not have led to copious amounts of vomit and/or embarrassing shenanigans? For me, that drink was gin. Nothing truly embarrassing happened, really, but it was the one and only time I ever woke up with vomit in my hair and I have since sworn it off. The smell of it bothers me to no end and instantly takes me back to my first, and most miserable, hangover.
5. Turn down chocolate, cheese or red wine. Some things are just meant to be included in life and for me, these things are chocolate, cheese and red wine. They are my favorite things, things that I could live off of and things that compliment a whole heap of other marvelous things. Add cheese to pasta, vegetables, a cracker, bread, or merely a fork and, chances are, you’ve improved it. Throw in some red wine to sip with nearly any meal and it’s made better. Add chocolate to peanut butter, fruit, ice cream, a marshmallow, graham cracker or cake and, chances are, it gets better. Some things are just not meant to be resisted.