Yep. Still trying to figure out the difference between who I am & who I want to be.

It’s humid again. Big surprise there.

Andrew told me this morning that I hate summer. And he’s right. I like the idea of summer. Spring hits and I start to looking forward to sitting outside, reading a classic novel, sipping some fruity concoction, but then reality hits harder and all I can stand to do is open the door for the dogs to go outside and occasionally peek into my mostly wilted garden. I don’t want to sit outside and enjoy the weather. I don’t like sweating. I don’t like melting. I don’t like it when my legs stick to one another and, around here, that’s what summer is all about. It’s about sweating and sun-burnt grass that crunches under your feet, air so thick with humidity you can almost swim through it.

As it turns out, I fucking hate summer.

Realizations like these fascinate me. I’m astounded. How did I not know, after 26 years of life and countless days sweating it out in the sun, that I hate summer? What the hell took me so long? Why do I keep looking forward to summer? Why have I convinced myself that I like it?

It makes me wonder: Have I been so wrapped up in discovering REALLY BIG AND IMPORTANT things about myself that I’ve totally skipped over the little things that make me, me? Like my favorite color. It’s green, but I didn’t decide that until about 2 years ago. As a kid, I couldn’t tell you what my favorite color was. I didn’t have one. I liked blue and green and purple and red and so on and so forth. I don’t have a favorite food, or a favorite alcoholic beverage, or a favorite movie or song. So far, I’ve gotten to favorite color. That’s it for the favorite department! Color me undecided on everything else!

In life, I like order. I like plans and lists and schedules. Everything needs to be decided and defined. But when it comes to me, when it comes down to who I am, definitions are out. I can’t define myself. Or rather, I don’t want to. I don’t want to be this or that. I ride the line. I don’t have a favorite. I don’t want to choose. I don’t want to decide. I want to be everything and nothing, different, sometimes opposing, parts of a whole.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with this. There’s no rule book for life that says you must have favorites or that you have to define yourself using a 74 topic, 12-point scale. I just think it’s neat, how each time I learn something new about myself I get firmer in my belief that I’m undefinable. I’m not one thing. I’m a million things and undeniably in between on everything. I love steak, but crave vegetarianism. I proudly serve in the military, but, at the end of the day, I’m still a tree-hugging hippy. I love defining plans, but hate defining myself.

Ultimately, I guess I love little discoveries. I love learning that I don’t like eggplant or that I hate summer or that capers are one of my most favorite things to toss in a pasta dish. These little things give me a clearer picture. They don’t bring me closer to a definition (which I don’t really want, anyway), but they do help me to paint a bigger and brighter picture of who I am today.

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6 thoughts on “Yep. Still trying to figure out the difference between who I am & who I want to be.

  1. You know, I do that too. I look forward to summer all winter long, and then it gets here and I don’t want to leave my house because it’s hot and humid and gross – I hate sweating. But one of my favorite things is the beach and swimming in general, so really, that’s all I really enjoy about summer. Fall is my favorite season. Everything about it is delicious and cozy.

  2. Ash

    Totally agreed on summer – have wondered how you can stand Richmond in summertime. It’s even worse than it is here or in Front Royal. I find it totally exhausting, and this whole storm fronts moving thru makes the migraines worse.

    Ya know, T., I don’t think you will ever figure out who you are, because who you are changes with every new experience, every book read, every little bit of personal growth. And that’s what it’s all about: change. Change brings the inner growth we are here for.

    IMHO, if ya stop changing & growing & learning, then that’s it, you’re done. Life over.

    I’m certainly not the naive young person I was when you were born, nor the person I was when your sister was born. I’m not even the same person I was two days ago, when I had a profound spiritual experience, and made another baby step in personal growth.

    I believe Life is a journey of discovery, discovery of our inner Divine, of who we are as a soul, of the potential we all hold inside.

    The only constant is change.

    The trick is to accept that not only are you going to change, but so are those around you, and to accept & love them for who they are in that moment, and walk with them on their own journey of discovery.

    That’s part of the challenge in life… to accept the change within ourselves and those around us.

    IMHO, of course.

  3. San

    “I don’t want to decide. I want to be everything and nothing, different, sometimes opposing, parts of a whole.”

    That’s a great quote. I want to steal it and make it my own. I love that you cannot define yourself. I think people who are not clearly defined are much more open to everything, life in general!

    I know that growing up I could never just decide for one thing to excel in, I wanted to try everything and be good, but not GREAT at everything 🙂

  4. Liz

    Artists don’t usually have favorite colors (interior design counts as art, don’t bitch). I still don’t. I just say black because I wear it all the time and, since I’m female, if I didn’t specify how non-female I was in idiots gendered minds they would give me everything pink. And I would puke. No offense to people who like pink.

    I have found that any favorite thing I have has found me. I didn’t go looking for it and I didn’t care, honestly. I just happened to come across it and it changed my viewpoint and it continued until that happened with something different. I’m not saying that you worry. I’m just sharing.

    I’m so glad you’ve come to the conclusion that you hate summer! Now you won’t be dragging me around outside in the awful heat!

    Also, when/if we go grocery shopping, remind me that you hate eggplants. 😀

  5. mindy maier

    i don’t have favorites either…or maybe i do but it changes daily. i’m always caught off guard when asked “what’s your favorite this or your favorite that?” and eggplant totally sucks!

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